Almost as soon as I arrived at the Curtis family’s house, I felt right at home. Their kids and I hit it off right away and we started talking the moment I stepped out of the car. We’d met over two years ago but hadn’t kept in contact very often. Altogether, the Curtis family has seven kids, but only five are currently living at the house. Keith is the oldest (he’s twenty-five), followed by Zac (he’s my age), Luke (he’s sixteen), Julianne (she’s eleven), and Ben (he’s seven). Their older brother, Landon, also comes around with his wife, Gabby, and their two small children often.
Throughout my first week in the States, I tried to adapt to the time zone and talked more than I have in months! I have definitely met my match with the Curtis family! It literally takes me an hour to eat breakfast in the mornings because we start talking as soon as I walk into the house. They have a large family home but also have a small cottage and cabin in their yard. I’m in the cabin while my dad is staying in the cottage (though he’s currently in Florida).
As I was talking to Zac, one afternoon, I exclaimed how unfair it was that I was in the perfect place before going to Tennessee to stay there. It was weird but I knew that I was supposed to stay in Virginia. There’s something about this place that made my heart not want to go to Tennessee.
My dad also felt the same way and decided to have a look at the chiropractors in the area. Amazingly, after Dad had made a few phone calls, we found the perfect chiropractor and was able to book an appointment with him for the next day!
This chiropractor wasn't like anyone we’ve ever been to! He got my x-rays done, tested my brain with different exercises, got me to get blood tests, and adjusted me in a way that shocked me the first time he did it. Turns out, my left side of the brain isn’t communicating with my right side, which can cause many problems (also explains my sudden anxiety and abnormal sleep patterns), and he also noticed that my neck’s condition has grown increasingly worse. Along with all that, my iron levels are extremely high, so I'm trying to watch what I eat and keep my iron intake low.
On my second weekend of this trip to the States, my dad and I drove to Tennessee. We'd decided that I was going to stay in Virginia with him and the Curtis family, but we wanted to visit Johnson City since they were expecting us. However, almost as soon as I left Blackstone, I wanted to go back. I felt so out of place in TN that I was counting down the hours until we got back in the car and drove back.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty good time, but it wasn’t like our other visits. Something was off and I couldn’t seem to connect with anyone. Well, except for Andy, one of my adopted brothers. We had messaged each other earlier in the week and I was so excited to hear that he and his wife, Esther, were going to be in TN the same weekend as us! As soon as he arrived at the house we were all staying at, I ran into his arms and we didn’t let go for a couple of minutes.
I’m very thankful that Andy and his wife were there because without them I would’ve felt even more uncomfortable. I’m really not sure why I couldn’t connect with anyone, maybe it was because I wasn’t feel good, but there was definitely something off.
During the Shabbat service at The Vineyard, the day after we arrived, I felt even worse. I couldn’t get into the worship or even open my Bible to follow along with what was being read. I figured it was just my anger towards God coming to the boiling point, and that could very well be the reason.
For the last two months, I was falling further and further away from God. I just couldn’t understand why He wasn’t healing me or why He'd allowed my condition to get even worse than it was a year ago! I felt like He had abandoned me and could no longer feel His presence around me when I prayed. I hadn’t even opened my Bible in over a month because I was so done with faith and how hard it was to keep.
While at The Vineyard, all these emotions came rushing back and I realized that I longed to be back to the place I was at before this dreaded migraine attacked me. When I came back to God the last time, I was so on fire for Him and felt such a joy when reading His Word or praying to Him. As I sat and watched everyone praying and worshipping, I really wanted to stop being mad at God and forgive Him.
As I was thinking about all this, the pastor noticed how out of character I was and came over to ask what was going on. I told him how mad I’d been at God and how depressed and lonely I felt without Him. I expected to hear the same response my dad made when I told him this, which was “You’re not allowed to be mad at God.” Instead, the pastor told me, “It’s okay to be mad at God, it happens.” This statement really opened my eyes to the fact that we’re all human and go through these things, it’s how we pick ourselves back up that really matters.
That all being said, things took a turn when the pastor asked if another woman, named Rebekah, could talk to me. When I said yes, she took me by the hand and led me to another room. As we talked, Rebekah wanted to know everything and was determined to find a thread that was causing all this anger and depression. I was cautious the whole time and didn’t really like it but didn’t know how to leave. I love Rebekah so I didn’t want to be rude and I also truly thought something was wrong with me.
In the end, we prayed and Rebekah asked if I could go home with her. I said yes but after getting a little bit to eat I realized how tired I felt and told her that I just needed to go to bed. I’d reached my limit with socializing and being in an environment where I was uncomfortable.
I’ve never been uncomfortable at The Vineyard before, it used to be my second home, but something has changed this time around. It didn’t help that Jackson and his new girlfriend were in the same room, but thankfully there was no confrontation and he kept his distance. It just felt weird that I had to be on guard the whole time and had no one to talk to because Jackson was the only one I could hold a proper conversation with instead of just the casual, “Hi, How are you? What’s new?”
Being back in Virginia has been great! God really did know where I was going to end up and He always does what’s best for us. I don’t think I could’ve survived two and a half months in Tennessee. As I lay on my bed in Blackstone, I feel at peace and relaxed. I don’t have to put on a fake smile and can be really real with the Curtis family.
As this week comes to a close, I’m very thankful that God is always looking out for me, even when I feel like He’s left me. I’m excited to see what this next week brings, though there may be some bumps in the road.
The chiropractor I’m currently going to is only ten minutes away from Taylor, my ex-best friend, and her family. I really don’t want to see her at the moment as I don’t have enough energy to be around her. It may just be my anxiety of seeing her again taking over, but I also have no idea what to expect if I did see her. Dad and I will be having lunch with her parents on Tuesday so I guess we’ll find out what happens then.
2 Corinthians 4: 16-18, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”