When I returned from my camping expedition, Jeremy messaged me almost right away. I was too exhausted to talk to anyone at that time, so I didn't answer. I knew that if I responded I would need to have the tough conversation with him right away because I no longer wanted to pretend that everything was all okay. I wanted him to know my heart and understand that I needed more space, I just needed to say all of it when I had more energy.
However, when I did respond and tried to get all that across, Jeremy being Jeremy, responded quite badly. I’m not sure why, but he turned on me and started to explain how I wasn’t even a ‘real friend’ to him, just a talking buddy. Once he said this, I knew I was making the right decision.
If I am going to mature in YHVH, I can’t have people in my life who will lead me in the wrong direction. Talking every so often is fine, but every day is far too much! I tried to tell Jeremy all of this, but he seemed to disregard it and started talking about something else. When that happened, I told him I had to go make lunch and left the conversation.
The next day, however, he sent me a message to say that he was sorry for ‘being tough’ and wanted to make sure we weren’t on bad terms. At this I just told him that I needed space, praying he would hear what I’d said and understand.
Thankfully, he did, though he did send me a couple of snapchats. I thought everything was going to get better from there, that I would get a breather; but, suddenly curtain number two opened and can you guess who was behind it?! JACKSON, that’s who! UGHHHHHHH
It’s funny, almost every time Jackson has wanted to try to be friends or more, I had JUST handled something with Jeremy. Whether it was our breakup, our huge fight or when I told him I needed space, Jackson was always there in the aftermath. Thankfully, I was able to pick up on this and start praying for the wisdom I needed to handle the situation.
It seems like Satan was trying to do everything in his power to throw me off track and get me worked up, this week. And it, unfortunately, worked for a while. My day was almost ruined on Wednesday because I allowed Jackson to get under my skin!
Prayer is a wonderful weapon. If you’re in a situation and you don’t know what to do, pray about it. I spent most of Wednesday evening in prayer about the situation with Jackson. When he went a bit over the top with some things, I even asked Leona if she could pray with me because I was feeling very uneasy.
Psalm 107:28-30, “Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.”
After praying, I went back to my room to finish my conversation with Jackson. Praying for the words, I thought I was able to get my point across. It’s hard talking to a guy who’s putting his feelings out in the open, but I truly believe that YHVH was showing me that I needed to trust in Him and not forget the things He’d said to me.
Unfortunately, after thinking Jackson had understood what I had said, he came back for round two the following day! This time, he told me that he really didn’t understand, that he had been praying about me and that he knew YHVH had given him ‘permission’ to talk to me at this time. He also said that unless I told him I didn’t want him pursuing me, he wasn’t going to give up!
To my dismay, no one was available at the time I got this message and I knew I needed to talk and pray with someone about it. I was at a loss for words and didn’t know how to respond to what he had written. After scrolling through my contact list, Bethany’s name showed up. I text her and told her that I really needed a big sister to talk to and she called me right away.
I told Bethany everything that had transpired and asked what her thoughts were on the situation. The advice she gave me was that YHVH was not a God of confusion and that I shouldn’t be questioning myself since I already knew what He had told me earlier this year about the guys in my life not being 'the One.' I’d had the answer to Jackson all along, it was the enemy who was just confusing me into thinking I didn’t because he didn't want me to say what needed to be said. Talking with Bethany really gave me the encouragement I needed, so I prayed for the words and told Jackson exactly how I was feeling.
In my message, I explained that I didn’t believe it was the right time for us like he did because we would both have peace about it if it were correct. I also told him that I knew what YHVH said to me was the truth and I was going to stick with His words. The last thing I wrote, to conclude my message, was that I did not want him to pursue me.
I thought that this was going to be the end, that there was nothing more to say about the situation, but Jackson just wasn’t giving up so easily. He asked me if I would continue to pray about it all and seek wise council. I responded and told him that I had been praying and seeking wise council and the peace I had felt after sending that last message was just confirmation to me that I was on the right path.
Still, Jackson was persistent and told me that peace shouldn’t be the ‘deciding factor,’ that I needed more confirmation and more words from YHVH. I responded and told him that I had heard from YHVH and was listening to what He was telling me. At this point, Bethany was praying that Satan would back off because all of Jackson's questioning to get me to change my mind sounded a lot like something Satan, not YHVH, would do!
At the end of the day, I think Jackson finally realized that I was sticking with the word YHVH had given to me. He told me that he was going to continue to pray that we both wouldn’t miss our destiny and that YHVH would reveal everything to us at the right time.
I’m just praying that Jackson’s eyes will be opened to the same things mine have. I want him to really understand the reason for the things I had said. I just hope that when I see him in two weeks that he won’t go crazy and tell me more things that, ‘YHVH' has said to him.
In the end, the most important word is from YHVH. Unless He tells me otherwise, I believe I did the right thing. My goal, at the moment, is to draw closer to Him, not to man. I don’t need all the negativity or the feelings of hormonal guys right now because that’s not my current focus. I need to zone in on what YHVH is telling me and not think about guys and their feelings. There will come a time for all that, but that time is not now.
*Cues music* “We Don’t Talk Anymore” begins to play. haha
This week, I believe, has really been a week of closure. Not only did I have to deal with Jeremy and Jackson, but before the week came to a close I had a talk with Gary, the guy who had had a vision about me earlier this year. The vision had really tainted our friendship and since that incident, I hadn't been able to look or talk to him the same. During our Shabbat meeting, this week, I was really feeling YHVH tell me that I needed to talk with Gary and clear the air.
Though I'm still confused with some things, I really felt like I have properly forgiven Gary and can now move on without being creeped out every time I see him. I'm still going to keep my distance, but that doesn't mean I can't be friendly.
As this new week begins, I feel like I can finally breathe! It's as if I'd been holding my breath for the longest time, but now I'm free! The feeling is truly amazing!
My prayer for this next week is that YHVH will continue to speak to me and, hopefully, not allow any more drama to transpire. I'm really enjoying my stay in America and can't wait to experience all the other adventures YHVH has in store for me!
2 Corinthians 3:17, “Now YHVH is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of YHVH is, there is freedom.”
Psalm 119:45, “I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.”