Unfortunately, the peaceful silence was short lived. As I began making my detox juice, my dad opened his mouth and said something so unexpected that it made me take a step back, as if I’d been near an explosion and was blown away by its energy. He’d decided that that moment, when mom and I were running around so we could leave on time, was the best time to tell us that he wanted Jackson to come out here to Israel!
All of a sudden, it felt like my world had just turned upside down. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Just last week I was taught that I need to be humble and not be so judgemental towards Jackson. I’d also told YHVH that I didn’t want boys (especially Jackson) to distract me or try to pursue a relationship with me until the time was right and I was ready to get married! I’d given it completely over to Him, and now He seemed to be messing with me.
Once the words came out of my dad’s mouth, I couldn’t stop hearing them in my mind. I became angry, with anger I didn’t even know I had, because it was just so typical that this kind of thing would happen after I’d told YHVH that it was up to Him and that I wanted to focus ONLY on Him. Looks like I’m constantly being tested. I thought I had left all my anger and frustration behind when I asked YHVH to forgive me for judging Jackson and being mad at him when I had no right to, but apparently I didn’t.
When I asked my dad what his reason was for saying this, he told me that he was just thinking about it. I then asked why he wanted Jackson to come out, to which he replied that he wants to mentor him and have a guitarist over here to play on Shabbats with him.
I’m all for my dad mentoring Jackson, but I’m really nervous about him coming and living with us for God knows how long. To me, Jackson is unpredictable and not mature enough to handle what could happen here. If one disastrous thing happens, I can just see him running for the hills and away from YHVH again, but that could just be me judging.
In the car, my mom asked me why I was so mad at Jackson, so I told her how much I hate it when people tell me something but act the complete opposite and then run at the first sign of hardship. I then said that I would be fine with him coming, but I wouldn’t act like things are back to normal and that everything is fine until Jackson talks to me about it. I want to know what went on in his head and why he did the things he did.
After dinner, I asked my dad if he’d spoken to Matthew, the leader of The Vineyard in Johnson City, about Jackson. He told me that he had and that Matthew had been mentoring Jackson. Then, he told me that Jackson had written to him to apologize for missing the three chances he had had to come over to Israel and to ask for one more chance to prove himself. I read his messages, and I will admit that they seemed sincere, but he was always like that when he was at a good place in his life.
Thanks to my dad’s random announcement, I spent the journey to Caesarea and the evening thinking about Jackson coming. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. As I watched the clock get closer to midnight, I realized that I needed to give this completely over to YHVH. So, I grabbed my notebook and wrote everything down. After I had done that, I told YHVH that this was up to Him and if He wanted Jackson to come out, then so be it.
The next morning, I felt so much better and all the stress and worrying about Jackson coming here was gone. There are still a couple of months between now and the time my dad wants him to come out, so I’m continuing to pray for strength and YHVH’s wisdom over the situation.
I don’t want to be mad anymore, but I also don’t want to give Jackson a pass, because he needs to take responsibility and prove himself to be worthy. Like I said last week, he lost my respect when he went off the deep end, now he needs to earn that respect back.
YHVH is stretching and forming me into the woman He has called me to be, I’m just praying that Jackson’s presence will not be a distraction to that. I don’t want the things that happened in Tennessee to happen while he’s here. Things are going to be different, I just need the strength to be able to speak my heart to Jackson and set those boundaries before he steps into my house.
In other news, something I thought was impossible happened this week. Not only was I able to write this blog in good time, but I was also able to start writing a new story! For years, I’ve not been able to get passed the first sentence in a new story. I always know where it’s going to go, but never know how to get there or what to write. This time, it was different.
I got the inspiration for this new story while sitting on my favorite chair trying to talk to my parents; but, it was like they couldn’t hear or see me, as though I was invisible. That’s when it hit me, a story about invisibility would be perfect! Not the superpower, but the state of being. You can be standing beside someone and they wouldn’t even realize you’re there. I am very much invisible when I go out or even when I’m at home, so it was really fun writing about a girl who has the same things happen to her.
Amazingly, in over an hour, I was able to write over 2,000 words, which is very exciting. For once, I know where the story is going and how to write it! I’m hoping that I’ll be able to share it once I’m finished, but I don’t want to push myself too much.
Today was supposed to be the day I went back to Ulpan after my two-week break, but since my family and I go by the sighting of the new moons, today was a High Sabbath. This meant that I had to skip going to school, no matter how much I wanted to.
It was really hard to come to the decision to miss school because I hate getting behind, but I didn’t want to disobey YHVH. While I was making my decision about whether or not I should go, I was very unsettled and couldn’t shake the feeling that I would be breaking YHVH’s Torah knowingly if I went. In the end, I knew that I would rather live for YHVH then for the world, so I stayed home. At first, it was difficult, but as the day went by, it was very relaxing.
Because of my obedience, I didn’t have much catching up to do! What usually takes me five hours, only took one! I am so happy I chose to follow YHVH and not live in rebellion. I know I would’ve spent the whole day thinking about how I shouldn’t be there if I had gone to Ulpan. Instead, I was able to relax in Him and even got a job offer! Today was a good day.
Luke 18:27, “…What is impossible with men is possible with Elohim.”
Proverbs 16:24, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”