Whenever I tried to give my input, it was like she was shocked that I was there and listening, and didn’t know how to respond without snapping it out. I didn’t like when that happened because then it reminded me of the time where she told me, “Tessa, children are to be seen and not heard. Go run along to the car and be with the dog.” I don’t hold a grudge against her for that moment, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget about it.
For years, my relationship with my grandma has not been one of love and friendship, more like acquaintanceship. We will coincide with one another, but never touch on emotional or heartfelt topics. I’m only just realizing, after eighteen years, that my grandma is not one to show emotion. In fact, she’ll do everything she can to prevent her emotions from showing. She has a brick wall around her heart and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to break it down.
Though there were moments my grandma and I were able to get along this week, I was constantly feeling rejected. She would say no if I asked her to do something with me, our conversations wouldn’t last more than five minutes, and the things she loved talking about the most were her other grandchildren and daughters.
After a while, the talk about the other grandchildren got really annoying. To me, it seemed like even though she was with me, she’d rather have been with them. On the last night of my grandma’s stay here, I asked her if she would drive home with me so I could drive her before she left. I wanted her to be able to say that I was her first grandchild to drive her somewhere, knowing that she would go home and drive with my older cousin who just got her license. She, of course, said no, but my dad told her that she would go with me.
It was hard for me to know that my dad had to force my grandma to drive with me, but I tried to push that aside once we got into the car. Unfortunately, it seems that whenever I’m in close proximity to her, my body wants to get away as soon as possible. So, on the drive home, I raced there as fast as I could. I don’t think my grandma enjoyed the drive very much since she thinks everyone should drive like Old Miss Daisy, but I couldn’t help it.
I’m thankful that at the end of all this, our goodbye was sweet and not regrettable. My grandma even held back tears as we prayed together and said our goodbyes. I’m glad she was able to come, even though it was very tough because I learned what kind of woman she is. I’m finally learning how to pick up on personalities, but I still need to work on how I react.
Along with my grandma staying here, I’ve had a packed week. I think the only time I got to stop and rest was at bed time. From the minute, I woke up until the time I went to bed I was busy doing something. I went to Ulpan every day, came home and did homework, made my juice, went to work, did some errands after work, came home and made dinner, prepared breakfast for the next morning (overnight oats are the best!), and did whatever else that was needing to be done.
I enjoyed being busy, though it definitely caught up to me this weekend. I haven’t stopped sleeping! :P I’m very thankful God created the Sabbath, it would have been impossible for me to have kept going for another day!
Another breakthrough we had this week was with the army. My parents and I went to the base in town to meet with the head army doctor. It was a very good meeting and he was able to see how I was with a migraine, since I had one at the time, and when he moved my neck to feel it, my face turned yellow!
The conclusion of the meeting was that I need to get more tests done to come to a conclusion of what these headaches are. The doctor wasn’t happy that there were still questions about my condition and wanted to get to the bottom of it before moving forward.
I agree with the doctor’s evaluation, but I’m nervous that they will actually find what’s wrong with me and fix it. I know that’s a strange fear; but truth is, I’m nervous that if I get healed I’ll still have to go into the army. It frightens me to think that one day, very soon, I could be a soldier.
That aside, work was great this week! My Hebrew is improving and I’m able to make conversation with my co-workers almost entirely in Hebrew! I enjoy going there every day and being with them all.
One other thing I did this week was open my first bank account! It was a milestone event because it just showed how grown up I am getting! I’m starting to get more independent! Last week I opened my first bank account, and this week my parents are going to Germany and leaving me for six days!
Looking back on this last week, I realize that I’ve learned a lot and accomplished more than I thought I would. As I live through each week of this year, I am becoming more and more mature and following God closer than ever before. I’m still trying to hear His voice more clearly, but I’m definitely making progress. The day is better when I spend my first 10 minutes in the Word and praying, and the last moment of my day doing the same thing.
This week, I read 1-3 John and the beginning of Psalms. Each of these books have had a real impact on me because they are all about love and faith. The night I read 1-3 John, I really needed to remember that I am loved and am called to love everyone, even those who don’t treat me very well.
Reading Psalms has also been encouraging because each chapter is something I need to hear. On one of the worst nights of this week, I began reading Psalms and chapter 4 really spoke to me. Two of the verses that really jumped out at me were, “You have put more gladness in my heart, than in the season that their grain and wine increased. I lie down in peace altogether, and sleep; for You alone, O YHVH, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:7-8)
Everything had come crashing down an hour before I read this and I was telling YHVH that I couldn’t handle this trial anymore and wanted it to stop. After saying that, I opened my Bible to Psalms and read those verses. As soon as I’d read them, I was given peace and gladness again. That night, I was able to sleep in peace and wake up feeling glad again. YHVH is so good!
“Hear, O YHVH, when I cry with my voice! And show me favour, and answer me. To my heart You have said, “Seek My face.” Your face, YHVH, I seek.Do not hide Your face from me; Do not turn Your servant away in displeasure; You have been my help; Do not leave me nor forsake me, O Elohim of my deliverance.” Psalms 27:7-9