Have you ever thought your faith was strong, but then something came along and made you fall? It’s upsetting to realize that your faith isn’t as solid as you thought, isn’t it? Hopefully, the trial you're up against helps you realize that your faith needs to grow before something really drastic comes your way and completely annihilate you.
For years, I’ve taught myself to not get my hopes up or expect things to be different until I see it. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to remember this, I can never put that into effect when it comes to my grandma. Each time I go visit her, or she sees us, I pray that it would be different and I’ll enjoy her company, but every time I get knocked down and start going into my shell.
I don’t mean to shut down to my grandma, our personalities and energies just don’t click at all. I am outgoing and more modern while she is very reserved and old-fashioned. It’s definitely difficult to find a happy medium.
Whenever we’re with each other we just touch the surface. We never have deep conversations, tell lots of stories, or do things that most grandparents do with their grandchildren. We have a very basic relationship and I guess it’s alright, but I can never stop wishing that we had more.
Every time I visit my grandma, there comes a point where I can’t handle anymore. Last time I saw her, my dad, Rowan, and Zack were with me. From the very start, I did not enjoy my time at my grandma’s house, because I didn’t feel very welcome.
Something changes whenever my dad and she are together. Whatever my grandma says goes, and if she doesn’t like what I’m saying or doing and makes it known, I get into trouble twice. My grandma just has to tell me to stop doing something and my dad will immediately jump in and repeat what she said, which makes the situation a lot worse.
When Zack was with us, he saw what was going on and understood how I was feeling. It was comforting to have someone see what was going on and to encourage me when I couldn’t take anymore. One morning, I even ran away because I couldn’t stand being picked on all the time. Thankfully, my mom was able to calm me down and told me to go back. When I returned, I just stuck with Zack and he made the time fun.
The best day in Scotland on that trip, was when Zack and I went on a long walk. It was such a fun adventure and happened exactly a year ago today! We walked through most of the fields, climbed trees, got ice cream, and really bonded as adopted siblings. The best part of that day was that it was just the two of us, no grandma.
Now that my grandma’s here in my house, I thought things would shift since this isn’t her territory. Hey, a girl can dream. It's like nothing really changed, but at least my mom is finally seeing what happens when my grandma and my dad are together. Whenever my mom asks my dad a question, my gran answers. It's quite funny to see, I’m not gonna lie.
By day three, I couldn’t take my grandma being here and was ready to run away again. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I was trapped. It was so bad, I almost went back to my old way of listening to Avril Lavigne at full volume to get over my frustrations and anger. Thankfully, I’ve matured since then and wrote everything down without listening to Avril Lavigne. After I’d written it all, I felt myself come out of my shell a little bit, but I still didn’t want to leave my room.
Later, my mom came in to see how I was. We talked about what happened and tried to figure out how I could react better to my grandma’s controlling, heavy, energy. It was really good to let everything out and tell my mom, and it was even better that she saw what was happening and understood. Before leaving, my mom told me that I couldn’t let people change who I am just because of how they are. My mom hates it when I go into my shell, so she told me that I shouldn’t let grandma get to me because that’s the devil trying to break me.
As my mom always says, “The battle is never between flesh and blood,” and she’s right! When she said that I realized how sensitive I am to people’s energies and how I let them affect me. I’m thankful that I can point out other people’s spirits and energies, I just need to learn how to not let them get to me.
Since that day, I’ve been able to coexist with my grandma better. I try not to let her get to me and say things only when necessary. I also stay out of her way as much as I can, though I don’t hide away in my room all day. I’m so thankful I have work and Ulpan to keep me busy. I don’t think I could handle spending every day at home. One or two days is plenty.
This weekend was Memorial Day and Independence Day in Israel. It’s so interesting to learn about what these days mean and how others respond to them. At the beginning and end of Memorial Day, the sirens go off throughout the entire country. If you’re standing outside at the time, it’s incredible to see all the cars pull over and the people get out for the minute or two minutes of silence, to remember all those who have fought for our independence.
Traditionally on Independence Day, everyone goes to the beach or gets together with the family and has a barbecue. It’s one of the best days of the year! We get the day off to spend time with family and eat as much as our bodies can take, what could be better?
I, of course, helped make a feast that day. It’s so much fun to cook new recipes and see how they turn out. For the first time ever, I made a vegan bread, which wasn’t bad and was a great addition to the feast we had already prepared.
This weekend hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Though I currently have a really bad headache and am praying it doesn’t turn into a migraine, I was still able to enjoy the weekend and relax with a good book.
Last night, we watched The Book Thief. Mom thought it would be a good film for us all to watch, and thought that my grandma would enjoy it. Unfortunately, we totally forgot just how sad it was and that one of the main characters played the accordion. While watching the film, I squirmed every time the father got his accordion out and started to play, because I didn’t know how my grandma would react since my granddad used to play his accordion all the time. Thankfully, she seemed okay at the end of it, but it was of course very sad.
I always find it funny that the people I watch The Book Thief with never know who the narrator is. To me, it was simple from the beginning but to others, they don’t know and always think he’s a literal person. This was my grandma’s response when I told her who the narrator was, “Well, that’s not a person.” Haha, it’s called personification for a reason.
After watching the movie, I got the sudden urge to continue reading the book. It is a real masterpiece! I love big books and am definitely enjoying this one! The vocabulary is wider than my own, and its pages are filled with endless wonder. I’m just hoping I can finish it before the end of this year. :P
The new week is beginning, which marks only five days left of my grandma’s visit. My prayer is that it will end with happiness and a smile. Not just because she’s leaving, but because we all had a good time and can remember it as such.
James 1:12,19-20,”Blessed is the man who does endure trial, for when he has been proved, he shall receive the crown of life which the Master has promised to those who love Him… So then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of Elohim.”