Life is never easy! One day, I’m happy and talking to my friends almost 24/7, and then the next, I have no electronics and have the task to break up with my boyfriend, Jeremy. At one point last Friday, I thought my life was done and that I could never recover from what had just blown up, yet somehow I have come out stronger than I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, I am still broken, but I have already started to heal.
People these days think that they are in control of their lives and think that they have the last say in every choice they come across, well, they don’t! I used to think that as long as I prayed and did what I thought was right, I would be going in the right direction, but it’s different now.
On Thursday night, I was happily talking to Jem, when my mother walked in. I had no idea that she had been told by God to go up to my room for a second time and tell me goodnight properly, which is her giving me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. When my mom got to my room, however, she became glued to the floor outside my bedroom and listened to some of the things I was talking about with Jem.
Before I knew it, I had all my electronics taken away and was sent to bed. Now, I know that most of you reading this are probably thinking that that was a bit extreme, but I truly believe that it was correct. There was a reason God sent my mom back to my room, and it wasn’t to just say goodnight. It was to get a glimpse of what was going on and take action. The only one in control of the situation was God.
After my mom left with all my electronics, I had no idea what to do. I looked everywhere to find an iPad or something so I could call Jem back and finish our conversation. Miraculously, I found an iPad on my dad’s desk, but the battery was at zero. It took over an hour, but it finally came on and was working, so I called Jem back. We freaked out for a time because we knew my parents would be reading our messages, but we didn’t think they would do much about it. Oh, how naive we were!
When morning came, I was not looking forward to confronting my parents and having the discussion I knew was about to occur. It took everything I had in me to go downstairs and sit across the room from my dad. He sat staring at me for a minute before telling me that I was a liar and deceiver, which hit me hard! I never expected my father to say that to me and at the time I didn’t understand why he did, but after thinking and talking about it, I see now the wrongs Jem and I both had done and how we had deceived my parents.
One of the main reasons we had been lying and deceiving was the “surprise” that Jem was going to give me before my birthday. This surprise was going to be him with a pretty blue bow on his head. :P I had come up with the idea of him coming over for my birthday, but didn’t really think he would say yes, though I hoped he would. When we saw that it was really a possibility, we devised a plan on how to ask my parents.
It was my idea to say it was a surprise, because I didn’t want to get questioned by my dad. Unfortunately, that was not the mature thing to do as we both pretended that I knew nothing about it and I was even messing with my parents thoughts when I kept telling them that I wanted a friend over here for my birthday.
The other place I lied was when I told my dad that Jem and I were just friends. I was nervous about being truthful with him because I knew that if I was, Jem would not be allowed to come over here for my birthday. Looking back, I know that it was very wrong for me to have lied and I am guilty about the sins I have committed every time I think about them.
After having long conversations with my parents, and having God tattle on me when I stole my dad’s iPad to send a message to Jem, I knew that things needed to change. I have no idea who I am, where I’m going in life, or what God is saying to me, and that isn’t good. Before I can even think about going into relationships, I first need to have order in my life and be able to hear the voice of God.
Relationships need to be based on God and not be all about the emotions of those people, that’s the worldly and ungodly view. Jeremy and I had an amazing relationship, but it wasn’t truly a godly one. We didn’t spend much time talking about Him or reading the Word, and that is one of the areas we went wrong. It also went too fast too quickly. The emotions were really high, but the spiritual was not. Yes, relationship have emotions in them, but they shouldn’t dictate the relationship. I am praying that God will show me the correct way to have a relationship so that when the time is right, I’ll be able to do it correctly this time.
I was, and still am, shocked at the love my parents have shown me after I made the choice to stay with them and work on this situation, instead of running off and trying to live life without them. It’s amazing how a parent’s love for their child triumphs over the bad choices that they’ve made. I am ashamed at how I portrayed my parents to my friends, and even with that knowledge, they still love me and are showing me even more love after the events of last weekend.
This is an on going journey, one I do not take lightly. I am heartbroken at what had to take place: Jem no longer being allowed to come here for my birthday, one month with no communication with him, going back to being friends with him, and less time on my electronics. This is going to be one of the hardest trials I have ever journeyed on, but I believe that we can all come out on top. I have made the decision to look at what happened as a positive and realize that it was a good thing that everything came out the way it did, and on Yom Kippur no less!
I do not regret anything, except for the lying and deceiving, between Jem and I, but I know now that it was not the time for us to be together. At this time, we are too young and not spiritually mature enough to have a relationship. I’m only almost 18 and that is too young to be getting into a relationship, which occur to turn into marriage. I have a lot of growing to do before I can think about marriage, so no more relationships for me.
This is my time to grow with God and become the woman he has called me to be. I want to become spiritually mature and be able to hear His voice on a daily basis. I also want to do what is right by my parents. I’d like to personally apologize to everyone reading this for what they may have read below. Most of the things I have written about my parents on here have not been honorable and I should not have written them, but I will not be taking them down either. This is my story and nothing should be erased because it has all happened to help me grow and reach my true destiny.
I pray that all of you are encouraged by what you have read, though I know there will be disagreements. I pray that Jem, if you’re reading this, that you will come out of this standing on two feet like I am trying to. I know that this is really hard and painful, I didn’t plan on it happening, but it’s all for a reason. The way we respond is going to show us who were really are. If you are the man for me, then God will tell us when the time is right, which is not right now.
Waiting is very difficult, look at Jacob, he had to wait seven years to marry Rachel, and THEN work another seven after Laban, Rachel’s father, deceived him. But, I believe that this is a step in the right direction. I know how much we love each other, and if you can’t wait then I understand, but I know that being in a relationship with you right not is not right, and might not be for a couple of years. I just pray that we can still have a solid friendship after this month break from one another.
This is our time to become the people we are called to be. As Britt Nicole sings, “You're gonna make it. And the night can only last for so long. Whatever you're facing, If your heart is breaking, There's a promise for the ones who just hold on, Lift up your eyes and see, The sun is rising.” We can get through this, and God know’s, maybe one day we will come together and carry on this journey as one. I just know that at this time I have to take the journey without you by my side. I am not in control of my life, that control, I have given to God. I now give him control of my entire life and can’t wait to grow into a stronger Child of God. It is through the hardest times that true love prevails, and so far the true love of my parents and God has prevailed. I can’t wait to see what is to come in the future.
Psalm 1: Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.