I don’t go looking for it, it just shows up on my doorstep and thinks I’m going to be welcoming. The same goes for drama. They both seem to be showing up a lot more frequently this year, and I’m still not 100% sure how to handle them.
Sure enough, that bomb started to erupt after I’d read the first two words. I knew what was coming but prayed I’d be wrong. I had been dreaming of coming to America and having a mostly awkward-free stay, but when this message came through, I knew it was going to be anything but awkward-free.
The message was from the one and only, Jeremy. We hadn’t messaged each other since the end of last year, so I knew he had something important to tell me, or he wouldn’t have messaged me. That important message was that he had decided that he was going to come to the conference I’m currently attending in Florida.
Jeremy sure does know his timing! I went to bed that night dreading getting on the plane and traveling to America. I didn’t want to face him and have all the hurt come back again. I thought I was completely healed, but after reading his message I felt exactly how I did when we broke up.
On the plane, I tried not to think about our meeting but it was ingrained in my mind. I just couldn’t understand why God was letting this happen. I was nervous enough about confronting his family, let alone Jem, himself! Petrified is the best word I can use to describe how I felt as the day got closer and closer.
I am definitely thankful Anthony picked me up at the airport. He was a great distraction and made the start of my trip very enjoyable. I also loved getting in his awesome sports car and driving around the city I grew up in.
For the first time since Jeremy’s bombshell, I felt free. Driving fast through the city with the windows down and music up really took the stress and anxiety away. Being able to spend a couple of hours catching up with Anthony in person was also a bonus.
Though Anthony picked me up from the airport, Jeremy’s sister and brother-in-law had to collect my dad. They have been very generous and offered to drive us to all our destinations, in order to save the expense of a hired car. Thankfully, because I had seen them two weeks after me and Jeremy’s breakup, it wasn’t too awkward to hang out with them.
The awkwardness only began when his sister asked if I knew about Jeremy coming to the conference. The conversation was not enjoyable at all, especially when she said that her parents were still mad about it. However, it was good to get some behind the scenes information as to why he had decided to come since I was really curious.
When the day came to drive to the hotel the conference was being held in, I was close to losing it. I couldn’t eat, I didn’t feel well, and my head hurt from the panic I was feeling about seeing him for the first time since last year. During the five hour drive, I was continually praying that it would go well, that we had both have changed for the better and that we wouldn’t be bitter towards each other.
As we got closer to our destination, the dread started to be replaced with anticipation. I just wanted our first meeting to be over so we could go back to being the friends we were before our emotions got in the way. I was definitely surprised when I no longer felt any unforgiveness towards him and actually wanted to get to know him again.
My nerves really kicked in when we arrived at the hotel. I stayed in the car as long as I could, which wasn’t long because Grace (Jeremy’s little sister) jumped into the car and practically dragged me out. I was so relieved when Jeremy’s mom acted completely normal and gave me a big hug as soon as I exited the car. His other brother, Dale, was also normal and gave me a hug. It was nice to start things off on the right foot, but I that didn’t stop me from keeping my eye on the door to see if Jeremy would come out.
He never came. In a way, I was relieved, but I also wanted to just get it over with. Thankfully, my friend Jacque met me in the lobby and took my mind off the fact that Jeremy was in the same building as I was.
Jacque and I met last year in Pennsylvania. She’s an incredible dancer and has a very similar personality and character to myself. Whenever we’re together we don’t stop talking or having a good time. We become best friends the instant we’re together and hardly leave each other’s side.
When it was getting too late to continue catching up, Jacque and I got in the elevator to go to our rooms. After saying night to her, I walked to my room, oblivious to what was about to come.
As I arrived, I started talking to my dad in the hall while the bags were being put into our bedroom. Unexpectedly, the door next to us opened and out came Jeremy’s mom saying that she thought she heard familiar voices. Turns out that out of the thousands of rooms in this hotel, Jeremy, and his family were staying in the next room! I couldn’t believe my luck! (Haha)
The next morning, after having a restless night, I was scared to leave my room because I knew it was very likely I would run into Jem while walking down the ‘Hallway of Doom’ (this is the name we’ve called the long hallway that leads to our rooms). I couldn’t eat breakfast I was so nervous!
After breakfast, I was messaging Dale because I accidentally told an annoying kid their room number. Dale wasn’t happy so when I saw him coming towards me in the hall I called out, totally ignoring the person who was talking to the housekeeper.
To me, the guy talking to the housekeeper didn’t sound or look anything like Jeremy, so I just figured he was just some guest at the hotel. When Dale came over to me, I started talking and didn’t realize there was another person standing beside him. When I looked to my right and saw that Jeremy was standing right there, I froze.
It was a terrifying moment, but after Jeremy said his usual, “Hey, how’s it going” phrase, the tension eased a little bit. Our first encounter didn’t last long as both of us were itching to run away as soon as we could. It was super awkward and I don’t think I breathed until I walked into my hotel room.
Once I had finished screaming into a pillow, it seemed like I couldn’t get away from Jeremy or his family. Almost every time I walked down the ‘Hallway of Doom’ or just about anywhere in the hotel, I saw Jem or one of his family members, they were everywhere! It took three days for our interactions no longer be awkward.
Each day of the conference, Jeremy and I found time to talk about things. The first day, we only touched on the surface, which helped to break the ice. The second day, we went deeper into the happenings of our breakup and how we should move forward after it. On the third day, we started to talk like normal friends again. And then finally on the fourth day, we were back to normal, acting the way we did before we became serious.
After eight months of separation, I didn’t realize how much I’d missed Jem until we were face to face and talking again. It was so nice to be our weird, random selves again. We have great chemistry, so whenever we’re together there’s never a dull moment. Something always happens that leaves us in stitches, so I was very pleased Jem and I were able to get back to that place so quickly.
Along with all the awkwardness of me and Jem’s first encounters, there were many more awkward situations I had to face throughout the weekend. Not only did I have to deal with my past, but I also had to deal with the awkwardness of the people at the conference.
Have you ever been talking to someone and then they just walk away because they saw someone they knew? Well, I can’t tell you how many times that happened to me at the conference! I would be talking to someone I wanted to get to know and they would just walk off and never come back. I really don’t understand how someone could do that!
Another awkward encounter I had this weekend was with Jeremy’s stalker. For the past two years, this girl has been watching Jeremy and makes sure her obsession with him is very open. It was really weird and I had hoped I wouldn’t meet her, but alas, nothing happens the way I would like. ;)
While I was working at our table, a couple came over and started talking to me and my dad. They were really sweet and I was enjoying the conversation until they introduced us to their daughters. After the introductions, my dad innocently suggested we all go out for lunch together, my heart literally stopped beating for a couple seconds!
When we arrived at the restaurant, I sat with the sisters and tried my best to get a conversation going, but it was rather difficult. I had to ask all the questions and they would only answer, asking nothing in return. The funny part was that me and the youngest sister, Tessa (yes, she has the same name as me) were both acting as if we knew nothing about the other.
Thirty minutes into the meal, Tessa made things very awkward when she finally started talking about Jem. Her statements were very vague but when she remarked about how she wished he would talk to her, I didn’t know how to respond since I knew what Jeremy thinks about her forwardness.
Thankfully, we all had to get back to the conference at a certain time in order to find a seat for the General Session. Thanks to the rain, I was able to run back to the hotel without having to walk beside them. I couldn’t get out of their presence fast enough!
Unfortunately, however, our encounters didn’t cease. After meeting Tessa, she made sure to keep and eye on me whenever I was with Jeremy. At one point she actually tried to hit me with a rubber band!!
Through all this awkwardness and being watched by girls attending the conference, which was called Revive, I actually really enjoyed the weekend. My dad’s messages were some of the best he’s given in years, Brad Scott and Chris Knight were two of my favorite speakers, and the worship was very Spirit led.
The main reason we attended Revive was because my dad was one of the speakers. I was excited to hear his messages because the titles seemed very intriguing. “Prophecy and Israel,” “In Yeshua’s Name (Healing),” and “How to Really Pray,” were the most Spirit filled messages I’ve ever heard him preach. Every day more people joined our meetings, until, on the last day, the room was overflowing! People were standing outside and sitting on the floor in order to hear what my dad was saying, the room was so packed!
Along with my dad’s awesome messages, the teachings of the key conference speakers were also really interesting. Each speaker talked about being cautious of distractions, living a life for YHVH and not of this world, being in unity with one another, and loving people unconditionally. All of these messages really hit close to home and I definitely needed to hear everything they said, even though their messages brought back a lot of old pain.
The second night of the Revive conference was the hardest for me. For some reason, the worship made me so emotional. I could barely sing the lyrics to the songs and had to fight back the tears. Then the speaker of that night gave a message that felt like an arrow had hit my chest. All the pain from last September seemed to come back and I couldn’t handle it.
When the meeting ended that night, I still felt heavy. My friends tried to get me to cheer up, but all I wanted to do was hug someone and cry. At one point, I even ran away from everyone and needed time to breath and look out the window I was sitting by because I couldn’t handle seeing Jeremy talk to a girl who was totally flirting with him. This was when Jem and I started to have our heart to heart conversation and figured out where we stood.
I’m very happy to see that Jeremy has been maturing like I have. We are both on different journeys, but it seems as if we are meant to stay in each other’s lives. For a time, our presence may cause pain, but I believe that it will pass. Jeremy and I both agreed that we would continue to be friends and to have a godly, mature, relationship. We don’t want to make the same mistakes we did last year and want YHVH to be at the center. I’m praying for the strength to be able to do this and that Jeremy will also be given peace over the whole situation.
Though this week has only just begun, more drama seems to be unfolding. I don’t want to sound cocky by saying this, but I’m really ready for guys to stop falling for me! It’s as if all the boys I’m coming across are in heat! Why can’t we all just be friends and learn how to control our emotions before they make you do something you regret?
My prayer for this week is that YHVH will continue to point out things that may be a distraction in my life and to guide me in the decisions that need to be made. At the moment, I am rarely alone so it’s difficult to find quiet time to stop, pray, and hear what YHVH wants to say to me. It’s hard to constantly be around people, but it’s a great test to see how strong I am to any peer pressure that may come my way.
Another big thing that I’m praying about is for my appointment with a chiropractor and neck specialist this week. I’m hoping we can finally learn what the cause of my migraines are and figure out how to treat them. I’m excited to see what the X-Rays are going to reveal and also what the specialist is going to say to me.
Please pray as I go to this appointment and get the treatment I need for my condition. It’s going to be an eventful week but I’m positive that it’s going to be a good one. YHVH is awesome and never ceases to amaze me. Even if unexpected things happen, He always points out the positive in the situations. I pray that you will be able to look at the positives and not negatives in your life. YHVH wants you to be happy and to trust in Him, but we can’t do that if we’re constantly looking at the bad in our lives.
Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”