It’s been two months since I last spoke to Jeremy. At the beginning, I believed we would talk as soon as our month of silence was over; but, now that an extra month has gone by, I’m wondering if he’ll ever talk to me again.
In these two months, I have grown stronger in my relationship with God, taken another step towards the woman He has called me to be and turned my life completely around. It’s amazing to actually see how far I’ve come.
Yet, in that time, I have not forgotten about Jeremy and always wonder if he’s growing in God like I am, or continuing to live his life the same way he was. I’m praying that he’s used this experience to seek God, because I know that God has extraordinary plans for Jeremy’s life, if he would just take that leap of faith.
My parents and friends keep asking if I’ve reached out to him, but I haven’t. The truth is, I get scared about making the first move, because he could perceive it to mean that things are going to pick up where they left off, which they won’t. My dad still hasn’t spoken to Jeremy’s parents, who don’t even know the full story; so until then, I think I’m going to stay quiet, unless Jeremy contacts me. I am completely open to Jeremy reaching out to me, actually I welcome it; but, I don’t know if he will, I think he’s still confused and hurt by everything that happened.
For all those nosey people out there, I’ll tell you some of the things that went wrong. To be honest, saying that it went wrong isn’t the correct terminology. From the very beginning, bad choices were made and it wasn’t until my parents made us stop, that I realised what those mistakes actually were.
I remember going to the States, back in June, with the determination to figure out my feelings for Jeremy. After our first time together, I came to the conclusion that I thought of Jeremy only as a bother! This conclusion, however, only lasted until my heart started telling me that I wanted more.
When I spent time with him again, I could hear my heart telling me that I wanted to hold his hand or lay my head on his chest, when it really wasn’t necessary. At the time, I didn’t see the danger in it; but, I would soon learn, too late, just what I had ignited.
After I left America, we started to text and talk more. Feelings started to form, and we started to step over the line of friendship. At the time, everything felt so pure and real, that I would always push aside the deep down feeling that things weren’t as true as they seemed. I didn’t allow myself to believe that the feelings weren’t true. Everything had felt so perfect and meant to be that I didn’t think for a minute that they were all just a product of immature teenage emotions. I know now, that I was being deceived by my heart and not listening to my good judgement.
All the texts we sent and video chats we had, were all run off feelings. I would react off of how Jeremy would talk or act, and my feelings had the freedom to do what they pleased. It was such an involuntary thing at the time, that I didn’t even realise I had no control. When the first ‘I love yous’ were said, it felt amazing, like my love tank was overflowing. However, the ‘good feelings’ were really my flesh devouring the attention and feeding off of the lust I had in my heart.
This was the time when the danger was reaching its peak. We started saying that we loved each other and that we were the best thing that’s ever happened to us, all the time. The conversations had also expanded into subjects I am now ashamed we talked about. It was inappropriate and wrong to have talked and acted the way we did. We have already been promised to someone else, our future spouse, and the things we did, did not honor them.
It says in Proverbs 31:12, “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” This means that a woman is supposed to bring her husband honor and respect, all the days of her life, including the time before they are married! Now that I have had the revelation that I am to honor my future husband now, not just when we’re married, I am more cautious with what I do and say when I spend time with guys. I’m also careful with how I act around them. This is a time of preparation for me. I am in the process of maturing and striving toward living my life for God, and God alone. I never again want to let my heart have the power it had two months ago!
I’m praying that when the right time come for me to communicate with Jeremy, that I’ll be able to explain these things to him in a loving manner, and show him the responsibilities we have to our future spouses. It’s actually a scary thought to think that I am preparing for my husband, but it also makes me want to work harder. I want to make God and my parents proud of the woman I’m becoming. I’m also praying that through His guidance, I can one day become a Proverbs 31 woman, and that Jeremy will become the godly man he is called to be, the one his future wife deserves.