Feeling betrayed, abandoned, and hopeless, I really didn’t think I was going to snap out of it. I thought I had completely thrown my faith out the window, but God wasn’t and isn’t done with me yet! It wasn’t until I finally reopened my Bible app and found a devotional that I thought would speak to me and give me some hope, that I started feeling myself again.
As soon as I started reading this devotional, its words hit me and I resonated with everything that was written. For the first time since my descent into darkness, I realized that I wasn’t the only one who’d felt like God had abandoned them. Even God’s prophets and kings had gone through this!
King David was one of these people and he wrote about his depression and desperation in Psalms. Psalm 42:3-5, “My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” So you see, even the man after God’s own heart suffered from mundane things like depression.
Another Biblical figure who struggled was Elijah. He even asked God to kill him! 1 Kings 19:4, “Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. ‘I have had enough, Lord,’ he said. ‘Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.’”
Now friends, let me bring some joy to this blog. Even though I have spent the last two or so weeks in this dark hole, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It took talking to my friend Joy (who I met in Cornwall), reading this devotional, and doing things that actually made me happy to realize that I had the power to turn the lights back on and didn’t have to live like this.
When I talked to Joy, we both weren’t in a talkative mood. We sat in silence for a little while and then, without saying anything, Joy started to tell me a little bit about what was going on with her. As we talked, I felt myself wanting to hug her and tell her that God was with her, even though I felt like I was all alone. This made me understand that God really was still within me, I had just closed the door and pretended not to feel His presence.
I love what Heart Support wrote in their devotional because it explained everything I was feeling while in my dark hole; “Many times it can feel as if we’ve been abandoned in the midst of an endless night. His presence is nowhere to be found, and though we cry out all we can hear sometimes is… silence.'
'The Scriptures are quick to remind us that just because there’s no rescue in sight doesn’t mean God is indifferent. They also emphasize that even when we can’t feel or see him moving, he sees our pain and hears us. In the midst of depression, hurt, and struggle, the only thing that feels real is our emotion. Because our feelings are so overwhelming, they can often block our ability to feel God even though he’s close by.”
I’m really not a depressed person, so I’ve learned, through this experience, that when I go into this state of mind, I need to get out and do something that makes me happy. For instance, my rabbit Marshmallow passed away last night, so my parents took me out for ice cream. That small thing helped take my mind off the sadness and even reduced the pain of my headache!
Another way I’m trying to get through this migraine is by reading. I love feeling like I’m in another world, living another life, in another era because it helps me remember that there is happiness in the world. I’m on the hunt to find a book that I can’t put down, but it's been a little difficult. I tried to tackle the last book in Ted Dekker’s Circle series but couldn’t seem to connect with the characters (click here to check out my book review for the series). So, my hunt continues...
Tomorrow, Passover and the Feast of Unleavened Bread begins. I’m really excited about it and praying that I’ll be able to last the whole day without needing to lie down or go to my room because it’s too noisy and my head hurts. Life with a migraine is touch and go, but I'm not going to allow it to ruin my day tomorrow.
What’s really interesting is that while I’ve been learning all this stuff about God never leaving and having the power to switch the lights back on, my mom has been cleaning the leaven out of our house. People always say that when Passover comes you don’t only rid your house of leaven, you clean your body as well. I truly feel like I’ve been cleaning the ‘leaven’ out of my life this last week.
Though this migraine still has me in its chains, I'm not going to allow it to stop me from trying to live my life. Writing this blog was a miracle in itself because I haven't been able to go on my computer for two weeks! Please continue to pray with me that this migraine will finally leave!
2 Corinthians 1:3-7, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.”